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what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!