You Might Also Like
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
monday
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.