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They say women only use 10% of their anger
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Wait a minute
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.