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HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.