You Might Also Like
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets