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i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?