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Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger