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That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.