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“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Take care of yourself, ladies
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?