You Might Also Like
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.