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So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
mariah carrie
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.