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MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
there’s music for literally every activity
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Worth a try
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife