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(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
😭😭
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.