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grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
😂😂😂
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.