You Might Also Like
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.