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11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
💀 😭
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I love the National Park Service.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…