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*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.