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Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
They must have gotten it to go.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified