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I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
こいつ天才
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems