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Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.