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If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*