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My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Good morning
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Why font matters.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?