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disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.[9 Moscow Mules later]
Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I heard you’re supposed to talk to your plants, it helps them grow so when I water mine, I say “you like that, don’t cha?” The artificial plant is still thriving, so there’s that.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.