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[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
@funTweeters