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I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
