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me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls