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“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten