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With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
me when i smell free food in the break room
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff