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the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I really had high hopes for this year though
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
No, he would not have.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
What’s so funny?
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
