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I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.