You Might Also Like
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.