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I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Leonardo DiCaprisun
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too