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[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.