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Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Pizza is an emotion right?
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Sir!!
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.