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Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
The French cow says MEUX…
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
This is my favorite one of these!
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.