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I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.