Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it

Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

When you “pspspsp” too hard

“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.