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Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
If a snake ate a cake
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊