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If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.