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wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
incredible google review i just found
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you