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flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
welp
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are