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3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.