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“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
❤️🦆
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁