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*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*