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Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Breaking news:
*frowns in Scottish*
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt