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I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach