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You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.