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Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice