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Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
this chia pet tastes awful
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?