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I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”