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Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
When libraries troll their patrons.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
stand with me against insufficient seating
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now