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I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
this has done me in for some reason
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min