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Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)