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If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
