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I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Me, in DM rooms…
My birth announcement for our third baby
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?