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Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questionsI’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children