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If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
rapatouille
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.