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[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Very problematic
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.