You Might Also Like
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon