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After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
Festive toon…
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
blocked.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off