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My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
This pepper has seen some shit
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess