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“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer