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Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back