!!!!!!!!!!!
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responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Tapped in
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.