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So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”