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The biggest mystery of our time
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*