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I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
#ProTip
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”