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My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?