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Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals