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the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Today I’m going to give it my almost
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw