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Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
they split up moments later
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes