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Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers