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I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?