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MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.