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me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.