You Might Also Like
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
oh my gosh!!
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
