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So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Just got to our Airbnb!
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.