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I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
My aunt gave me a dry clean only sweater for Christmas. I will never financially recover from this.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.