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Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?