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Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself