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You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.