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I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy