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No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.