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Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
For cardio I live beyond my means.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars