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Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Happy thanksgiving
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Me :
All Day At Night
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.