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I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.