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I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance