You Might Also Like
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.