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decorating my apartment
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.