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Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.