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Morning.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Vodka burrito was a success
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.