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Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing