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*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂